Recurrent Miscarriage - Coping Strategies

I thought I should write something on my personal, miscarriage-coping strategies and techniques. Maybe they're not for everyone, but perhaps there's someone out there who might gain strength from another person's perspective?

There have been so many times on our journey where I felt like falling in a heap, giving up, and allowing depression to set in. Perhaps that would happen now if this pregnancy were to fail. Let's not consider that!

But, in the past, I knew if I gave in to depression things wouldn't end well. I'd probably have ended up with no husband AND no family.

So I fought, and focused on staying focused.

The past five years have not been happy ones, but I have managed to hold it together and keep things in perspective. Right or wrong, these have been some of my coping strategies:

• Firstly, I told myself it's ok to not be ok. I accepted the lull point in my life, and while aware of the negative feelings, I tried to always think positive. 
• Acutely aware of my body clock, I knew there was a limited window of opportunity to realize our dreams, so I set about problem solving via doctors and specialists, telling my self 'no time for emotion, only time for thinking'. (Of course the emotion was there, but I just couldn't let it take over). 
• The path I was taking was different to the rest of my social group, who I'd always been close to. This made me feel isolated. The worst of everything for me. Not being part of their 'play group' or 'birthday party click' was upsetting. So I mentally detached. Worrying about feeling isolated, rejected, and lonely was something I figured I should do when I was past the age of having children. I needed all my energy to remain focused in problem solving, and working out what was wrong with me.
• When feelings of depression set in, I fought them off. I tried not to cry, or think bad thoughts. I knew if I let them in, they'd grow, and multiply, and perhaps get out of control. There wasn't time for that. 
• When pregnant, I didn't ever associate it with a child. I thought of it more as a medical condition that I needed to get right. 
• When I miscarried, of course I felt sad, but I also thought it fate. What is meant to be, will be. And at the end of the day, 25% of all miscarriages fail. The miscarriage was probably for a good reason. Again, I never associated it to a baby.  
• I accepted with fertility there are some things you can control, and some things you can't control. I let go of the things I couldn't control, and allowed them to be. Miscarriage is something you can't control. Doctors, medication, diet, exercise are things you can control. 
• Time is something you also can't control. Whilst under immense time pressure, you can't influence how long this will take. So focus, but don't try controlling or being impatient with time, it's out of your hands. Take one day at a time. If and when things fail, start again.
• Doctors are people, and often people get things wrong. So I listened carefully to everything doctors said, but always researched the internet after consulting them. I made sure I saw a wide range of doctors, and got lots of second opinions and points of view. I took responsibility of my own medical diagnoses, and made sure I understood everything that was happening to me. I didn't want to be in a position where, at the age of 50, I felt resent towards a particular doctor for telling me the wrong thing. I do, however, regret not seeing a naturopath sooner. 
• I realized my husband coped differently, and also needed support. We openly discussed the different ways we were coping. Often he wasn't there for me in the way I wanted him to be, I guess I just had to learn to be emotionally tough, and to cope by myself. Trust me, it was s***, but I just kept reminding myself it was temporary. People cope differently. Men are a different species all together... But they mean well, I think. 
• I didn't worry about spending money. I compared having a family to having a house, and asked my self what I'd prefer... Every time it was the family. Just because everyone else doesn't spend money on having a family doesn't mean I shouldn't, besides, what's money if you have no one to spend it on? Letting go of worrying about money is a great feeling, it gives you energy for other things. 
• When I had to have operations and medical procedures I'd tell myself I how lucky I was not to have cancer. Having your health is an amazing thing. I'd hate to have to go through all those procedures then still be sick at the end. 
• Sometimes I thought being concerned over having miscarriages was a bit of a first world problem. There is so much pain and suffering in other countries, we really are lucky to be born where we were. 
• If for some reason we didn't end up being successful, was it the end of the world? Not really. Maybe it would be destiny for my genes not to breed on. 
• I'd never thought of my miscarriages as a loss, just that I hadn't gained. 
• And there was always adoption to fall back onto.
• I just needed to find what path in life was right for me. Maybe it was going to be different to others? But while I was of child bearing age I'd give it my best. One thing for sure was not going to happen, and that's for me to regret in later life that I didn't try harder. 

I think that no matter how bad you are feeling, and how awful the situation is in reality, it's important to try and think positive. The more you tell your self positive things, and the more positive light you look at it in, the better you'll be able to cope.

Hopefully some of these thoughts and feelings might help others.